Episode 8 – Theodosius

* Vally went to Theodosius in Thessalonica, agreed to marry off his sister Galla to him to cement their alliance, and together they invaded from the east the following year and defeated Maximus in battle. * He surrendered, pleaded for mercy as one good Christian to another… and was executed. * His young son was also strangled by Theodosius’s trusted general Arbogast. * Because that’s how Jesus would have wanted it. * After the defeat of Maximus, Theodosius remained in Milan until 391. * Vally and his court were installed in Vienna in Gaul. * Why? Who knows. * But Theodosius started appointing ministers of his own in the West and minting coins. * All of which suggests he had talked Vally into letting him run things as his guardian. * Justina had just died and Vienna was far away from the influence of Ambrose. * Theodosius’ general Arbogast stayed in Vienna as Vally’s protector cum manager. * It was Arbogast who went on campaign on the Rhine and it was Arbogast who cut the throat of Vally’s best friend, Harmonius, IN FRONT OF HIM, when Harmonius had been accused of accepting bribes. * Things came to a head when Vally wanted to lead his armies into Italy to help fight some barbarians and Arbogast wouldn’t let him. * Vally formally fired Arbogast, who took the order and tore it up in public, and said “bitch, I don’t work for you”. * So Vally wrote to Ambrose, telling him he didn’t want to be an Arian anymore and he wanted Ambrose to come to Vienna to baptise him as a Nicene. * A few days later, Vally was found hanged in his apartment. * It was declared a suicide. * By Arbogast. * Like that 22-year-old black man who died in the back seat of a Louisiana police cruiser a few years ago – the cops said he shot himself IN THE BACK, even though his hands were cuffed behind his back and he’d been frisked twice and the coroner’s report said he’d been shot in the chest. * But sure, nobody went to jail for that, nothing to see here, move along. * After Gratian was killed in a rebellion in 383, Theodosius appointed his own elder son, Arcadius, to be his co-ruler in the East. * Arcadius was a good choice. * Sure – he was only six years old. * But hey, he was advanced for his age. * After the death in 392 of Valentinian II, Theodosius ruled as sole Emperor, appointing his son Honorius Augustus as his co-ruler of the West (Milan, on 23 January 393). * But at least this time he wasn’t making a six year old Augustus! * That doesn’t happen twice! * Honorius was 8 years old. * The only problem with that plan is that Arbogast had appointed his OWN Augustus. * In 392 when Vally accidentally shot himself in the back, Flavius Eugenius, a former teacher of grammar and rhetoric, was made Augustus of the West by Arbogast. * He made him emperor by the granted to him by… oh fuck it, he just did it because he couldn’t declare himself emperor. * Eugenius was a Roman. * And Arbogast was a Frank. * His full name was actually Frank Arbogast. * And you can’t make anyone called FRANK an  Emperor. * Can you imagine it? Emperor Frank? * Doesn’t work. * Not even Barry and Stan could fix that. * Anyway. * So Eugenius – pronounced “oh you genius”. * Which BTW, and this is completely true, is what Fox says to me all the time. * “Daddy you genius.” * I’m sure he has no idea what it means. * Eugenius replaced most of the ministers in Milan, who had been installed there by Theodosius, with his own men. * Eugenius was a Christian, but his men convinced him to use public money to fund pagan projects, like the rededication of the Temple of Venus and Rome and the restoration of the Altar of Victory within the Curia (removed by Emperor Gratian).