#21 – Enter The Lombards

* Justin was born near modern Skopje, in the fake Macedonia. * He started off life as a peasant and a swineherd. * But he rose through the ranks of the army and ultimately became Emperor, in spite of the fact he was illiterate and almost 70 years old at the time of accession. * So there you go Ray. * There’s hope for you yet. * He managed this because at the time of the death of the previous emperor, Anastasius I, Justin was the commander of the palace guard and controlled the only troops in the Constantinople. * It’s apparently pretty easy to get voted Emperor when you control the troops. * BTW, you know how in a recent episode of Augustus – RIP – we talked about his law that senators couldn’t marry actresses? * Well over 500 years later, in 525, Justin repealed that law. * So his adopted nephew Flavius Petrus Sabbatius, who changed his name to Justinian to be a complete suckup – could marry Theodora, a former mime actress, and perhaps a prostitute. * A contemporary historian, Procopius, commonly held to be the last major historian of the ancient Western world, wrote an infamous history, called his “Secret History”, where he dishes the dirt on the Justinians. * He has this to say about Theodora’s acting career: * Often, even in the theatre, in the sight of all the people, she removed her costume and stood nude in their midst, except for a girdle about the groin: not that she was abashed at revealing that, too, to the audience, but because there was a law against appearing altogether naked on the stage, without at least this much of a fig-leaf. Covered thus with a ribbon, she would sink down to the stage floor and recline on her back. Slaves to whom the duty was entrusted would then scatter grains of barley from above into the calyx of this passion flower, whence geese, trained for the purpose, would next pick the grains one by one with their bills and eat. * And that’s where the saying “you lucky, lucky goose” comes from. * And he had this to say about Justinian: * And some of those who have been with Justinian at the palace late at night, men who were pure of spirit, have thought they saw a strange demoniac form taking his place. One man said that the Emperor suddenly rose from his throne and walked about, and indeed he was never wont to remain sitting for long, and immediately Justinian’s head vanished, while the rest of his body seemed to ebb and flow; whereat the beholder stood aghast and fearful, wondering if his eyes were deceiving him. But presently he perceived the vanished head filling out and joining the body again as strangely as it had left it. * This eventually resulted in a major change to the old class distinctions at the Imperial court. * Anyway, Justin was the first mega Catholic to rule for 50 years, and he started oppressing the Arians a few years into his rule. * Which of course the Goths were. * The Roman Senate, whose who were all Catholics, shifted their support to the Emperor. * Theodoric sent Pope John I to Constantinople to negotiate a better deal for the Arians. * But when Pope John got back from his mission, Theodoric suspected a rat and threw him in prison where he died. * Which made the Goths even more unpopular with the Catholics. * When Theodoric died himself a couple of years later, the kingdom was left to his infant grandson. * This caused the network of alliances that surrounded the Ostrogothic state to disintegrate. * The Visigoths, the Franks,