TOM HANSON.

FARRO! Good sire! My liege! Come quickly, We've not much to tell you; But even less time,, to do so. …why? Because! Here they come! It's lost– Now, it's gone Now, you run. Don't run off On your mark (marker) Get set I'm gonna need a clapboard for this. What brought you up It was under the table What woke you up? It was aprt of a song or something– The line was Notch in your bedpost Line in a song Notch in a bedpost Line in a song Red rover, Come lover come Incubus/ succubus Yup. Run. Incubus/ Succubus “The Incubus, Succubus Song” THIS IS ALL OF THE SONGS. Suxks balls. DAAAAAMN What woke YOU up Hot lava. NOPE. Interdisciplinary aleegience to the illuminati. yup . damn , you suck. What was I gonna do? Work at Walmart, like the rest of us. NOPE. KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF AGAIN Uh uh JUST JUMP. …rope. HANG—---------------------------------------------------------------GLIDER. Slow down, would you. NOPE. Great, gotta go find that guy now… TOM HANSON WHAT FOR?! CHANCE THE RAPPER AH. great . nw i dropped my hat. GOD That's another$15,000 DO the hat dance. Which one the – one with the sobreros OOh. Somber Hoes. We like those. MEANWHILE Nope. its really stuck in there. It's never gonna come out Will this suffice. yeah . i'm up. yeah ,i guess this is what method looks like When you're anchored to an island that basically functions as a giant A GIANT A giant fucking antenna. W0AH. JUST DO IT ALREADY. LET GO. NOOO. Ok. i'm gonna throw up Don't throw up, cause if i let go *lets go* OH LOOK. A RAINBOW. NOOOOOOOO nOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO This is getting difficult NO it isn't. I'm going to be candid for just a moment… GOD WHAT I need you to answer my question– which QUESTIOn. The–i mean like Pretty much all the questions. I'm just now only to S Shh. don't say it. It might come back. COELACANTH! COELACANTH! spectacular . It really was. Hmmm. …. MAXWELL ,....Cola cans. Ok. Now i'm trippin balls. COELACANTH …erm… Come on, man– This is ridiculous. RIDICULUS! Riddikulus Wtf kind of cloud is THIS. A cumulus Gazuntite. COELACANTH …bananas. WHAT?! IT SPEAKS. IT WANTS BANANAS! GIVE IT BANANAS. Oh shit! It's– THE NANNY NAMED FRAN Way back then. EVEN THEN. ILLUMINATI OPEN MY EYE CHILD NO ILLUMINATI FINE. I'LL DO IT. AAAAA –bless you. Oh, it's you again. Zoboomafoo Hey boss. Hey what. Can you send me another one? MORE FRY SAUCE. Fuck, dillon. Why are you so fucking fat right now? WHY GOD. I like ur boobs tho. They are nice. –What! I gave you Keisha! Yeah, i like her and all, it's just EXT. ONE NIGHT. SOMEWHERE. …when? WHENEVER Look, i'm gonna be like, the highlight of your whole life, alright. …alright! but first things first what. Gotta get that– Revisions. HOW MANY REVISIONS OF COMPLICATIONS IS THIS TEN I WANT THAT PLUG. denied . GIVE ME THAT fuck . what . I got a show tnight. I gotta get… gone . Did she go? no . Why not? There it is? What, Elle? That–that color. Why on earth would you ever want to be that blonde? DO IT AGAIin. Ok. CUT TO: [THE COSMIC AVENGER has turned Ū (for literally ALL intensive purposes) into a PINECONE. That's it? That's the trup. That's it. That's the trip? I guess. AHAHA I HAVE TURNED YOU NOW AND FOREVER INTO A TROLL DOLL. NO. (amen) YOU DONE DONE IT AGAIN. MESSAGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE Hi, I'm Seven. Ok. This is CUT BACK TO: it was good. It was “ok” It was GREAT It's just– It's just what, dickface. JUST DO IT. JOSH PECK I AM. JUST. DOING IT. AND DOIN iT AND DOIN IT AND DOIN IT RUN INDIGENEUSES AYAYAYAYA EYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYE [ILLUMINATI, UNLOCKED] I gotta get out of this game, yo. This is unreal. *passes the torch* Oh NO Yur an OLyMpIAn NO NO RUN Uh. What shall I do with this? (no = response whatsoever) I know. I shall give this to Uh THE POPE THE POPE. [looking down at garb] What am I, THE POPE? Hey look. A rope. This had better not be for hanging yourself with. Ok. This isn't political. HEY LOOK, A NOOSE. that's … there. HEY LOOK, ANOTHER NOOSE Ok. i have to get out of the deep south now. Wtf year is this. like right NOW. DAMN. JUMP. NO. Let go. NO. Look at this WTF IN THE FUCK INT. WHENEVER. IN THE FUCK. wait , bring this guy back real quick ANDY SANDWHICH sure , why not Hold on, let me try ANDY SANDBOUROUGH Huh ANDY Look. ok. I lied. Lied about what. I NEVER LIE. I see yur face at night, I learn to dream. What the fuck is this. Hold on, i'm breaking into song. THAT'S SO RAVEN look . if my visions ever get THI vivid. Oh. i get it. I am the Illuminati. just TURN IT OFF. TURN IT OFF. TURN IT OFF. ok . this is awful. Get more stoned *deep inhale* Yur right. It rocks. see . CUT BACK, like WAY WAY BACK Get in the way, way back why Cause you're like, small enough SAUL. WHat I NEED– wait . is that guy a lawyer There was a spinoff. How'd that show go again? SHUT THE LIGHTS OFF. WAT. NOW TURN THEM BACK ON I'm gonna get killed. *sniffs* nope . still not high enough. CHRIST, HOW MANY DRUGS IS THAT GUY ON. ok , lets just be honest. I can't write that. Why. DOCTOR …is this the right dimension. MICHAEL HACKSON No. no it is not. Put me back under, Doc. DOCTOR Are you sure? Maybe you need like, a white doctor MICHAEL NO, You're the right one. Lets go. Lets stop now, this is awful. Hold on, my wings are comin in. If you're not gonna let go, Then i will DON'T. GOD BALLS See look. This is my show now. okay , it's my turn. ROCK How ya doin, Jared JARED bad . i'm bad. THE WHOLE ISLAND w0w So that's how much that costs. ah , the rock sauce DWANE JOHNSON I'M A GOD NO, NO, NOOOOO Turn this off. I like. Srsly cant. PAPARAZI THERE S/HE is! [RU PAUL IS GOD] RU Ok. that wa savage KU//KA So wait, ALL these bitches like to copy me? All of them. I'M A GOD Fuck that. I wanna be a rockstar now! What. ROCKSTAR ok , i gotta like Get like, diagonal, or something Holy shit, broh. I've been flying this meaphrical kite out of my [BACKEND] For like wait , how long's it been STORY LORD GET IN THE HOLE NO. RICK I told you, there was a twist JUSTIN Put me back in RICK NO. YOU DIE NOW. AHA. OUT OF THE GAME. I QUIT. I WIN. IN REAL TIME: Uh oh ! You're out of coffee. Uh oh. I DO NOT want to go to trader joes. For some reason, These two weirdos, at one point Before we were famous, maybe way , way before that Why because , i just MET her. She's not my friend. She's my MY BESTFRIEND. BEST FRIENd who is this Tell her is skrillex. She'll get it. WAKE UP, IT'S SKRILLEX I AM NOT GOING TO You have to go. You showed us. Now you have to go. LIZ LEMon LEM Aww, come ON. *kaBOOM* You have to have watched this show to even get that. Can't. Why not. Can't watch that show. Can't watch this. Can't listen to that. What happened. NOTHIN. KITE ATTACK LIZ LEMON (drunkenly) I–DO–NOT WANT– TO GO TO THERE. It shouldn't be that staggered. It should not be that hard to kidnap that chick. It could be. If she was THIS FAT GET. IN NO THEVAN I donT WANNA GO TO FAT CAMP Too bad. Cause that's attractive GODDAMN. yeah dawg, she's like 4'10 really?! YAS. wtf. EXT. BEDROCK. DAY. …Pebbles? ………..BAMBAM? DAMN! DAM We should definitely build this yeah . put this here. WHY ARE WE BEAVERSSSSSSS. cause . Fuck dude. I gotta get back to 2025 This whole place is gone now. why . Tell me why oh god almighty GOD ALMIGHTY EVAN Oh no. it's a story hole STORY LORD K bye Fuck it, we're Gone now. THE TIME MACHINE. OH. IT”S BACK. GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT I don't get it. Whats up. It's like…. It's like, raining bananas,but they ‘Re going “UP” neeeeeee000oooooww BOOM<<<<<<< *PLANE CRASH!* AIRPLANE! fuck , i hate that movie. DO YOU NOW? No. i love it. Maybe it's just IT's the THIS IS THE ALBUM ART. This is so uncomfortable. DUH. here . What's this. It's a jar of peanut butter. Why do i need this. Time's up. MR. MACY *sir Right. Are you aware that there's to be– Are you serious –A parade in your namesake? ARE YOU CRAZY PUT ME IN THE GAME. PUT ME IN THE GAAAAAAAME. NO NIGGA, NO. STOP SAYING THAT I SAY WHAT I WANT I DO WHAT I WANT I'M GAY NOW. SUNNI. WHAT. your lips ar crusty. Cause i'm NIggAz COVER UP. WHY. Cause you have a contract with smuckers COMMERCIAL SUCK MY [YUM!] {SMUCCKERS] mmm . gross. what That is gross. that due Lil bitzzzzzzzz I watchin ol commercials from my childhood That shit was nutz. I watched this commercial for one of those TV dinners, it was incredible I could still taste the BOX. The funnest thin about the commercial was, It was set up like one of those basketball halftime shows You know with the lights, Like an all-star game type thing and I couldn't help thinking to myself Help. Oh look. There he is. Yo, if you grew up actually EATING those things, And then grew up to be a professional athlete You are blessed with INCREDIBLE GENETICS. It's been like 20 years and I can still TASTE THE BOX Yes, the whole thing wait . pause. The whole THING is the BOX. The whole thing is the box. DAMN. fuck dude, i'm in like 8 movies right now. This is not RIGHT. Fuck it, where's 1988 Tom Hanks at FUCK THAT MOVIE NAH, FUCK THAT DAY. FUCK THAT DAY. That's the day I got lost in there! THAT is a very good ending to BOTH of those movis, if I could ever Just wrote this dumb fucking monologue and get it lver with already why. DO'T FORGET YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK thanks , doc. AND REMEMBER this again shit NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU ARE FROM YOUR MARK What's the line nothing THUNDERCLAP! oh shit. i forgot about that alaas. ILLUMINATI HEY. HET BACK HERE NETWORK No, i gotta Lil biiiiiiiiiiitzzz [continued] No, like, i'm serious: If you grew up eating this shit like On the regular THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL i i hate thi i ss s YOU'RE TELLING ME WTF ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT CAKE ima eat it WHAT in the FUCK, WAlTER, are you gonna DO with all these BANANAS WALTER WHITE I'm gonna make the best goddamned banana bread there EVER WAS CARA'S DEAD NOW. What. YOU KILLED CARA, OF EVERLAND I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT QUEEN OF DIAMONDS Vs. QUEEN OF HEARTS OH GOD OH GOD OHHHHHHHH You're wrong for this, you really are “O Nigga, Where Art Thou” A Point. TO Gryffendor (s) YES. I SAID A POINT. NOT A PINT. SITCHUR LITTLE ASS DOWN. What's this for Don't worry. it rubs off. GOD. PLZ HELP ME SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE. GOD No, keep dancing. YO. SOMETHING AIN'T RIGHT WHY C mon. keep writing this joke WHERE'S THE PUNCHLINE. WHERE'S THE PUNCHLINE ONE PUNCH MAN *PUNCH* OH. YIKES. he YEETED the baby. This is not the guy you want to be taking english classes from. DUH. wait . Wtf, man. what . How do you write something like that. I pretty much just SIKE. SHE'S A PSYCHOPATH, THAT LADY. yeah , that's why i like her. SHE JUST PUTS– ADOBO ON EVERYTHING. SARGEANT ADOBO what , captain. you're drun. k I know, officer THat's CAPTAIN to YOU …lol Fukt. …where is BLOWFISH. SAL BANDUCHI honestly , cap, i've been dead for years: Why! What happend. that guy literally had too many kids IT's TRUE. I DID THIS. And just ended FINISH THE JOKE Lil BIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTZZZZZZZZZZ (but less whispered, cause it's getting stuppid no , it's still funny, just SERIOUS. lil bitz THIS IS NOT A JOKE If you grew up eating ANY OF THOSE THINGS, And then grew up to play ball, you have the BLESSED genetics of the CHOSEN PEOPLE Cause this [bullsh*t] is weaponized nigga food. what . ASSASAINATE THEM. Are you sure. YES. ELIMINATE TO EXTINCTION. …are…are you like certain about this. lol . i nuked the foodz. Goonez. goonex HEY LOOK, IT'S UHHH. UH WHAT THE– THE GOONIES I don't know anything about this. WHy. OH yes you do. TO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE. NO, GODDAMMIT, I'M TRYING TO MAKE A SHHHH A SOFFLEE W A what A su** NOpe, still can't do it. Get us in the bus Waht. GEt up. You know this scene goes in with “The Hard Stuff” right ? This IS the hard stuff. she gets starstruck. no , but like ONE PUNCH MAN oh shu BUT FIVE TIMES At least five GOD 6-7-8…9 damn . when are you gonna realize you already killed your wife? NEVER. dead . anyway .. oh , this is bad. Get up. SPATULA! SPATULA! Goddamn it, bitch pLEASE SHUT UP. rap . what . They want you to rap. that six Wait a second INT./EXT. IN THE Six. WITH MY WOES. lol Had to get that out the way rea quick why if you're reading this 666 It's too late you're wrong for this. OH. I'm WRONG. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY ROCK. BY NOW, i”M SUPRISED IT'S NOT UP YOUR NOSE. oh ver funny. YA. I WRITE JOKES. OH GOOD. I got it. I got one What the FUCK. OK, we'RE DONE. WHO SET THIS UP. *snifs* I prepared tofu over the sautéed spinach and Brussels sprout kale medley I had made just the night before; I hadn't yet been to the gym, however, I would not go, until my Amazon package, containing the nutritional supplements and workout equipment I had ordered —falling just under a dollar short from being able to afford a new lifting pad—not evening having put together that the awful pain in my neck and shoulders might have come from my thinking that squat lifting two 45s with no protection, as I had seen some others do would do no harm—and although it had been days since I had had a ‘rest' day, it wasn't enough. According to Kylie Jenner, models often worked out 4-8 hours a day, like other athletes, and required to be 90 to 110 lbs—though I was far above age to even imagine a career as a model—I still at least wanted to become as small as possible. First Saint James, And now St Patrick's It's a shame, To play to the candid camera I was framed, like Roger rabbit I was blamed by bad, bad habits It's a sister act, I tip my hat to the fans And have none My numbers dropped As I scrambled at best to blame For half of what I had yet An internet presence Past or present tense The algorithm corrects My Arcadian rhythm hasn't yet I forget as I listen To what always plays in the back of my head, anyway A repetitive silence He's got a good taste in girls, Fascination with words, and immortal preference for dismemberment Embellishments … Interest in cryptocurrency Where were you when I was a punk? Either cuddled up to my mother; Or curled up in a ball, Trying to learn how to walk, Just to run from her— Or under something Forgotten, Had I not the lungs to call for someone to watch me Or even a party, A theology of sorts, As I lost all the world's appeal By the age of four, When school started, Probably Maybe, even The start of a fart, Or the swirl of a thought, Sail away, I'm an unwelcome failure I left [Redacted] alone, On moral obligations, by admissions A standard set for respect, besides my own transgressions Expressions of love of man and animal, Influx of output and perfectly capable of nonchalance, but not Were the works and words of artform, Demolished by cause of a hazard, Wreaking havoc on lost God's Prepare for the apocaplse, Either by train, a fall, or by gun Under all of the money In The Galley The housekeeper dremt of playing piano But could not overcome the rotten body The tree stump of a mother Left to become nothing of Pocahontas Or Pocatello Either one, assumed of such A potato The moral of the story, A new understudy And Marlon Brando Curiosity killed Johnny Depp And what have you got to know Other than to Zoom Or assume that the hat is atop Something or someone you want But these star studded ones Covered in lovers from dawn until dusk Nothing wanted at all, besides love Which could not be done by a man To such a body Summer Allfruit Jam (Trfruit) Come on, Jack, we don't have time for this! I can't! I don't have any blocking for this scene! UGH. Fine, whatever— [Jack Black Follows] WHO! WHO DOES HE FOLLOW? I don't know. Hold on. Dammit. You can tell by this dude's music he just knows how to fuck. Fuck it. I'm in a weird mood anyway, should I I watch mau5's super cringey CNN interview? Probably. It's either that, or Fallon. I'm not watching Fallon, Like fucking ever. Alright, cringey CNN it is. I'm totally okay with feeding this obsession. Tom Hanson What does Because it feeds me back. What if the left and the right got along? What if I showed up at my show, In nothing but a thong? What if I went bright I once thought my aspirations Were delusions of grandeur— Once thought psychic visions as vivid hallucinations Once thought auditory transformations as mutations, Instead of and rather than Musical endeavors Once thought my proclivities As sexual deviance —the defiance of order, as defined by The Order. Worth an incognito Who I've got to know, even The televangelist's anthem has it— What, like a nurse and a psychologist daughter Thought this guy was hot Theory of Genetic Attraction By Doctor CS Monroe Quick, where did I study for my doctorate At Harvard Law I got a doctorate at Harvard Law School?! Doctorate of Law This exists, somehow, I believe Synethetics and Multidimentional Reality: The Algoithm Simulation Theory, Evolved Why! Please don't let my dreams come true. Really, even the dreams about Deadmau5 Well, except those— Except that last one. What was the last one? He was scary. Irish, German, and norweigien, really? Really. Are you sure—not even like hint of Fuck it, it's not your face You're so old It's your soul. Which, notably, might be even older, except. GET OVER HERE, you DUMB MOTHERFUCKER. MOOOOOOORRRRTTTRYYYYYYYYYYY. There he is! Like, Pacific Islander? Nope. Mm. Really. Not indigenous, at all? Not that I know of. BEFORE: COLONIZERS: die. INDIGINOUS: Ok. COLONIZERS: Except you. [insert beautiful Native American woman here]. CONT …you can stay. ok. *dies in childbirth* History successfully erased. WAIT. …Hello. Oh FUCK, What did you do?! I hit “erase” Do me next! {Enter The Multiverse} [The Festival Project.™] COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2019-2024 | THE COMPLEX COLLECTIVE. © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. © -Ū.