[THE COLD OPEN]

“El Machina Caballero” Wait, you're married to Catherine Heinowitz? I was. Like THE Heinowitz? As in Rebecca Heinowitz? —Katie Heinowitz! YES. Like the guys who made Church Factory! You're a Sasquatch. I know. All the TV people are smaller in person In one way or another— Live or behind the scenes Believe me The tv people need you Just as much as You need your TV Please believe me Everything is not what it seems to be As Seen on TV [The Tv People Theme Song] Yes. What is WRONG with you? Something. Marc Shultz? I fucking guess. You're Jewish? If I wasn't before, I am now! You can't be serious. All I see And all I am Is you and I Inside The Eye ___ This is mescaline. Okay. I take this when I get too—(he spins his finger) spun around, wound up. I get that. You want to go with me? No, but I'll watch over you, at least. That's all I ask. Patrick and Esha under the guidance and guise of the eye are best friends, have become bound by blood in such a sacred oath that one does not function without the other, and although moving without restraint or restriction independently, grow magnetically and enigmatically together by force of nature, as we learn to understand that the connection precedes the bond by which the sacred oath has bound them, and also is… Also is what! Goddamn! Idk, lost my train of thought. The irony of irony, is that Patrick tends to get away with his bizarre and off the wire behavior, because he is surrounded by people who love him for his talent and open heart— his downfall often being that the only person who doesn't love Patrick, is himself. 1-888-788-0099. You know what DNA stands for? Do not attempt to talk to me when I'm fasting. I'm not in my body, almost at all. Trying to get God to talk in English is like, A task, Do not attempt. I don't know what channel you're on. Ah, the dreads. The olden ones seem to have known I was coming. More coffee. No, no coffee. Breakfast is— No, I need you fasting for this. For what. Come on. That's not my God. You know what. I know that. Your God is money. Go back to California! I WISH, if I could have an apartment like this in California, I would have been gone, however There is a lot of love in New York. That's the reason it's still standing up. When is this? I don't know. Couldn't have gone too far back, you know— I was still at least 3 days in And three days out, And completely full of shit, Which must mean I'm WHERE'S JIMMY FALLON. I'm Jimmy Fallon. No, the REAL Jimmy Fallon. Go, quickly. Yes, sire! You know, I'll scratch your eyes out. That might take a long time; I have eyes all over this city. Uh, line? Come, ishii, and Quickly. How did I spell that again? One way, or another, All the series are going to collide with all the series, At some point! Listen, Emmitt… Yes. I'm going to need you to explain this experiment to me.,,very—simply. It is simple! You know this! I know this trick! Follow me. I need a safety. I'm oooh, shiny! Whatever. Come on. This is FUCKED UP THIS IS FUCKED UP THIS IS FUCKED UP FUCKED UP TRUMP CITY, USA Just fucking kill me. SETH. Rogen, or Myers? Both of you. What? Really? Yes. Okay. GO, So you know all this to be true, right? Yes. Correct, So if you know that, Then you know I'm not the real Jimmy Fallon… Exactly. I trusted you! Trusted me for WHAT. Not to LOOK. Look. No. Look at me. NO. Oh good, the piano bar. I told you she was gay. I'm not gay, I'm just. Please, just one drink with me. NO, Satan, Jesus. Okay, Jesus, relax. Quit saying your own name. I OWN YOU. You are my SLAVE. Okay. That's…. That's not okay! You killed my boss! Is this like a 3D thank you card, or something? He writes my checks! Did you check his pockets? Severance pay, maybe. How many days is this fasting? I don't know, maybe like 1, 2 Two days? I can do that. Three hundred and 80 MESSAGES. Hey, this is— BEEEEEEP. Messages erased! Hey! What the fuck! You can't have these things, Jimmy! That's just my stage name! Listen to me Was it Connie?! I hope it was Connie! JUST—SHUT UP. Come with me. Why r u following me?! GARY! GARY! SAVE ME! Okay, this is strange, but the subtle SpongeBob references in this series Now make everything crazy. If I kill myself today, you know, he wins at everything. Why would I kill myself on my wedding anniversary. Why would you kill yourself on my birthday. Cause, Plus One, Because, Johnny, I loved you— And I never told you that. Actions speak louder than words. Way, way louder. This is a class action lawsuit from 96 celebrities. What are you suing me for?! Nothing?! MY CORNBREAD RECIPE?! SERIOUSLY?! Who the fuck is driving this thing? It's not me, actually. You should ask the conductor— I'm just having an out of body experience. Okay, that cop did look like Dillon Francis. I thought Dillon Francis was Satan. I thought so too, but then— NICOLAS?! AHAHAHAH. Oh no! He's taken another hostage. Yep. Poor thing! NICKELODEON WOULD YOU DO THIS. Uhhhh—- maybe DOUBLE DARE. FUCK, MAN! Okay, whose driving?! Satan, take the wheel for a second. Okee. *instantly crashes* Instant death! Instant infinity— Dammit. I'm telling you, god is actually winning this thing. WHERE IS HE?! Jim, get out of New York City, Take your family, Take everything with you. Okay. I'm— Wait WHAT. What did you just say?! Nothing, I'll kill you, you know. GOOD. Hello? This is the Illuminati speaking. Okay. Meet me at. What is this, I don't know. The Heineken factory?! I'll give you $36 dollars, every time you say. Why are you doing this? I don't know: That's right! You don't know! Are the eyes in yet? Not yet. Are the headmasters here? Almost. Great. This is going to be a great project— I CANT DYSFUNCTION. Don't you mean. You can't “function “ Well— Yes, and no— It's just MY EYEs! MY EYES DONT WORK. But it's amazing, it's almost as if— You know what. I like these traits. I'm keeping them. NO, LET ME GO. No, little man. Stay in the box, like you're supposed to— Oh and— NO, DONT SHUT ME— imm not shutting you off. I'm just turning the volume—doooown.. No, wait— (But quiet) Ya. I also wish I was white. YUCK. What am I doing like this? Idk. Kill yourself. Right? I wish. BLACK IS BEAUUUUUTIFUL. Yeah. It is. But— Look, don't— Avoid these creatures. Hey baby! wtf is he saying. Idk. I think he speaks English. Switch to English. Uhhh, who am I again. The band made her smile, But the dancer made her laugh. She liked the band; But the dancer made her laugh The band made her happy, But the dancer made her laugh I don't follow a man, unless— The music, yes. Follow that. He's got my heart in his hand And she's got the world in her eyes And he's got his hands on my heart The sermon of sorts, The rock and the kite THE FOURTH REIGHT HAS RISEN! THE SOUTH WILL RIIIIIIIIIIIIZE OH SHIT, I almost forgot this guy WILL FERAL. lol. That actually happened. You shouldn't fast like this City sickness, city sickness Perhaps you should move to Ohio, dear matron, if all you can say is Words with hatred When I loved you in the first place. Hey, Satan. But I just couldn't take it The white devil had his day in my Spiritual Parisian The nuptial edits. The wedding band, Remote controls and Architects Sages and pages of Architects Art directors, Casting agents And I just can't handle it I just need managers Booking, Writing books And keeping close tabs On their dialects Who dialed you in God 9/11 Who dialed you in on 420 The devil himself And my mom must have warned them She warned them with Fireball A cannon Never had a Catastrophe You summoned her, didn't you?! WHO? Which— My MOM! No, MAYA, actually no! You did! You I did not Look, SEYONCE wants you to dance with her. Dance? I can't. That is tragic. He's a GOD, I tell you that! Did I tell you that?! Now, fist bump the trash can. Nah. Dammit. Fuck, man. Yes, I win! That one scene where Patrick sells all of esha's guitsrs— You sold all my stuff?! What is that, anyway?l Liked”, a shrine!!?! What?! Fuck you! —fuck you. I'm a collector! Well, guess what?! Now you're a contributor— What?! You want your precious, fuckin— It's a collection Yeah, well your collection is sitting in an exhibit at your favorite musical in Manhattan How would you know what's my favorite— —let's just say I guessed — Fantastic. you— I donated them. You what— You don't have to thank me, either— One day, that museum will be honored and redededicsted entirely in your namesake I fucking hate you, How would you even know these things. Somethings you've yet to see, But I've seen them, and believe me The Eye is Aching for it For what? The tears in his eyes have turned into l glowing halos, and the whole world becomes something other than what it was, the office, fading into what seems to be a single soundstagec and as the halos in his eyes begin to transform into other worlds, the present becomes the past, as he has been altered—to becom The One; the original Predecessor of The Eye. I don't— What show is this? I don't know. [The Festival Project] …did you dream last night, Esha? …what do you mean? Did you dream? I did dream of him, Last night Two dreams I dreamed A weeklong song, I sung An aching heart I woke with I KNEW THERE WAS HONEY IN THIS. —just—hold onto this for a minute, would you? Sure, I— Aaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa So that's where I left it. Hm. THE VEGAN VERSION USES AGAVE AND ROASTED— shhhhhh. This is my recipe now. My secret recipe. Don't spoil it. Sh! OH, ROASTED— ssh! I'm shook. Oh look. There he is again. Fuck!, dude how did you do this?! I don't know! Run! SHOOT HIM. what. Just— Shoot him. I got the gangstas With the pizzas YEET. No, try something else. What, you don't like this one? No, it's not- I YEETS THE PIZZA I EATS THE PIZZA Oh, apparently they were Lizzing at this shit yesterday. For WHAT purpose. That's not funny. Remember: Comedy is always tragic— What. What's this. Oh, that is funny, When it isn't you. It's true. It did seem my baby at one point had a death wish. Oh, look, Yay. Go baby! You're doin it! Woo! Now watch this: [baby attempts to run into oncoming traffic ] Mommy NOOOO! Haha. I remember those days. My baby fever is out of control. LOOK AT HIM W0000000W LOOK AT THESE JEANS YUM. LOOK AT THESE hair, he has nice hair. Try not to scare her: AH. Fuck. Yikes. Okay, I can't see again, which means. I'M BLIND! She took— MY EYEBALLS. Here, use mine. Thanks, uhh— Satan. Oh, thanks Sa— Wait. But my friends and fans call me SKRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL THATS THE X! What?! THATS YOUR X?! NO. WELL, yes, but THATS “THE X” Aw, man. What the fuck, God. I swear, an extra small And I'm still too fat Let's go to McDonald's I LOVE MCDONALDS OH. Hey. Oh, I remember this it's EXIT NO EXIT NOW, before my *before my life gets hacked. lol fuck these fags. Seriously, it's like Well, I'm on my own time NY YOURE ON MY TIME YOURE ON CITY TIME YEh, exactly. This is NO, THIS IS MY TIME always let the white girls go ahead of you; They're trying to be angrily mean and flamboyant, but trust this; She's going to tell you how rough the waters are by taking the journey before you And though she will not show it Maybe ever She loves you As her sister As a woman Okay, you little black bitch Am I little now, the other day I was FAT 8mm I'm gonna kill you. Great, my life is ruined. Ok. I just want like Cereal Some English muffins Like, Oatmeal, Quinoa, I don't care Whatever This ruins you, you know. That's ok. I'd rather be killed by every white girl in the Illuminati, than by my ex husband again. Seriously, is this not torture to you? It is, it's just This is MY magic. That's the—that's the white devil, it's pretty much, I told you this lol I love New York This white girl— I actually liked her She was a bag lady, Uptown, You could tell she was just-/ Stuck in this fucked up world too long, Cause I smiled at her, Cause I liked her Crackheadedness, I guess But you could tell she wasn't on crack Cause she didn't have the crack swagger You know, the— *crack swaggers* That shit. And she was just like Cracked. Probably cause she lived uptown. I personally prefer anything below. 80th She was somewhere like, Above 96th, And I was just like— Lost, with no phone, on God Mode like Well, my eyes don't work and I no longer speak proper English, I'm some kind of bird, I guess And I'm lost as fuck Taking the extra long way home because, I was literally trying to go One fucking place On what is literally the worst day in history: 4/20 Not only because it was Hitler birthday, Or because everyone is now smoking like government funded weed, Which could never be a good thing— But because the only train, Or one of the only train lines That goes directly from this one place to my house Was just— magically “Out” that day Cause, you know— New York City. And this lady gets on the train, Just fucking rambling, And I laughed— Actually out loud, Because, I left my house at like 10 in the morning And I didn't get back until almost midnight, Just trying to get to this one place and like— Couldn't. Or, actually by the time I did I was just— So fucking hungry That everything around me Was some kind of Something I made up Or was working on writing— This also happens when I'm fasting Everything just turns in to [the festival project] Which I thought Nobody else in the world even knew or cared about except for God And the aliens that have been writing it— Which is usually Come on. Where are we going? “Staples” EXT. ONE WORLD TRADE CENTER. DAY AWTF NO. They put his NAME on a BUS. Why would they do THAT?! If you're a whole bus, Then I must be the motor… Satan is my motor His name on a building— Oh hell no. This is the wrong place and time Something is wrong! NO. FUCK THAT GUY FUCK THIS DAY. Just — Dissociate! Dissociate! Uhhh—- I gotta go back in time and stop myself from getting married. Why?! Cause! Everything is his now. We like him better than you. NOOOOOO. KILL YOURSELF THEN. I tried. I was like “Look, Ali” He was like: “Over here” Oh. EXT. ST PAUL'S CEMETARY, DAY. Where you going? Idk. What is that sound. Idk. ELON ALIAS? Uhh__ I don't have an alias for you, son, I'm sorry. You're just ELON MUSK ELON! ELON! Oh, my—christs, what's happened to you? I don't know! My eyes! My eyes! Mmmmm. Rye bread sounds fucking awesome right now. Tight. *sniffs* Tight. Tight. WHOOPDEWOO. Yep. You know—WHOOPDEWOO. WHOOPDE— WHOOPI. What the FUCK. WHAT. I was. Well. That's good. What. I don't know what I'm looking at but I'm starting to like these eyes. What! Whose eyes are these?? Idk. But once I found out I was using Satan's— WAIT, like, the DEVIL?! Yes, Jason Sudakis. yes. You can come. Where are we going?! To get alcohol poisoning. There is a song Kissing the barrel of a gun Protect the land, they sing However, It is he that banishes The truth from nature The apocalypse has been upon us Since the collapse of these mighty towers The collapse of the mighty dollar I'ma still Riding MY BICI— BLAM! AHHHHH! You shot me! I'm sorry son! I thought you were black! I am— Kinda— Or was. *dies melodramatically* NOOOOOOOO! We shot one of our own! —Kinda… Fuck man, I'm gonna get so fired for this. Or like, at least laid off… Well, let's just hope it's a paid leave! [two racist cops— Ahem— Decide rather than going to jail, they will just shoot anybody who comes to the scene of the crime Damn, this gets levels Cause —to summarize, eventually the standoff ends, And when they get to heaven The kid they shit is God(s) “God The Judge” Welcome to my world The only law of the land, is There is no law Bound by the law, Is the land you've let behind All for the better The lost souls They know not to harm one another From the suffering, It's up they come From whence there on, We rise up Leave them in the dust From behind Let's to suffer under us Suffer under us You know what I want? A malotov cocktail For all of the tales I have yet to tell And I never will Cause you've lost my trust There's none of us left you know Where we left you The world we left to suffer under us Serivice, you servitor I see it in your eyes I am in another realm So high above you That you can't deny my diety You can deny my animal My wild side My life inside my life inside my DIE! —just die already Trust me, I'm trying. I'm just a horse I, Race—- —Course These nigga is racist These bitches is heated Cause she see I need him It's all DJs on walls Broken mirrors And broken bottle Alcoholics Mescaline And city sickness [Esha's addictions resurface, Patrick's use peaks at its all time high— ] She ravages the grocery store in search of comfort foods— Patrick is arrested after destroying an entire Liquor store I just had to Run a Madonna Why you thinking about my husband— at all!? I wish I knew, madam I wish I knew the answer I just had to Suffer through An album called Forgiveness I got get this I don't have nothin But suffering to do And I've already done that so, Shut up I couldn't have ever fathomed A cannon so handsom I have a bazooka Bubblegum It matches you cannon See, That's how far up I am— Fall back That be Of course not That's his father, Don't you know? I had to ask, Have you passed on, sir? And if you have— How is your son? That's my hat, though I only know them Once they become broken No promises though On the whole order of it See how far This is my home This is my temple You are my archer, Who holds now and arrows These are my horses These are my stables Run, rabbit, run For I am not stable Run, rabbit, run, rabbit Sit at my table All hail the archer King James, your majesty I called you Saint, Because, This is my masterpiece This is my hand, And this, is my label Come archer Come one and all Sit at my table I called you Saint Because I am unstable I painted this picture, Come sit at my table A land made of glass, And the casket, the cradle I made you up, because I became able to Ableton I only hate you Cause I can't have you I'd only date you If it weren't random Damn, this is tragic Taking my hand like that Showing me magic I'm not taking it back; You're a maniac, man And imm mad at you— Handsome professional Dads have it best I guess father know best And she's perfect The family is golden Her aura was always my horrible An honor it was To serve, you, sire The patriarch Of such a remarkable War with us The hers, and the girls Vursus, Woman lust over what are overuses are Sure enough Assuredly a certain Azure after all, is coming up I'm coming off this fast, man But to be grandfathered into The master craft By the madmen of Manhattan Is Damn. I was hungry. Well DUH. Just shut up and run, would you Shouldn't have uttered it Once is a curse, It's enough Just to be as unloved as I ever was But this one is fucking up my consciousness Of all the award I never won And everyone around Is the mother of his sons But, Where does that come from? The comfort was torn from her heart, Where she left it, On the alter, Still bleeding And his heart never beats for her Evil, she thinks If the keeper of the keys She had bathed/ Or had mated with— But she sees this: “Stamatina” And know there's some Jesus In this Genius And the trickery That just may be as fatal As Mother Nature In his genes, The super creeps and creperies Another demolished apostle For falling in love, She collects, of cours Albums as tokens In the exchanges, she lays all her eggs The jogs toning her legs for the right one, And all out of protein She gobbles the apples and ashes, Ambidextrous Dexters watching all this as the butcher of Some harbor Stuck in New York, New story, With the same old habits All this was a tragic And unhappy accident As cellibacy creeps up In the form of Some imaginative masturbation Fascinated with the fashion And architecture of summon city A portal gun, One dollar bill Some pills Some fuckin remedy for Whoever that shapeshifter Posing as Jimmy Fallon Actually is Cause none of this Can never And never did happen And. When your spirit is floating down that tunnel towards the light— You know what's behind the light? It's not God, it's— LORNE MICHAELS (ME) Uh oh. —and I don't know how you did this, but— {Enter The Multiverse} [The Festival Project.™] COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2019-2024 | THE COMPLEX COLLECTIVE. © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. © -Ū.