Accountability.

I gotta go watch bad girls club, just to find that comedian that looks straight like a Boov. I was almost entirely sure they had to have based that animated cartoon off of that guy. I knew what i was looking at, I just couldn't think of the name. I took one look at that dude and thought. “Oh dude, you must be a comedian.” You couldn't be anything else. …maybe a writer. __ On that note. JLo is literally the most beautiful person ive ever seen in my life– Like, up close. You would think its just camera magic, and all that. No. Its the truth. She really looks like that. I used to do background work; You know, like a paid audience I hated it, but it was work. I fucking hated it. Those studios are always cold, Effin freezing. They pay you to fake smile, fake cheer, Fake laugh– Applause. I thought I was going to clap my hands off. So I took this job not knowing what it was– Usually it's that way. They don't tell you what it is, because some failing, out-of-work actors are also super fans: Imagine that. And they're going to go tell all their friends about it, And it's a conflict of interest, yada -yada– But also, there are people there who PAY to see the show, Cause they're like die-hard fans; And you're not supposed to ruin it for them, or whatever– So the whole thing is just Altogether a bad job. But anyway, I take this job, And the highlight, I guess, of this particular job, Is that I get to be front and center To Jennifer Lopez, who I find out, Is a judge on this show– “Highlight” meaning “Just kill me.” I'm like all the other out-of-work actors In this paid audience gig, like, “JLO” was what I was initially aiming for With my career; This is where I am. So I'm like ‘Oh lord here it goes', And they bring her out– Cause you know, She's like an actual, Like a great-big star, They have to ‘bring her out' and in all my life I could not have guessed That her face– Is actually her face. I'm astonished. She just looks like that. Great scott. Everybody talks about JLo And the whole damn thing about JLo Is always her butt, But i'm not worried about that– that's chump change, Because this is Hollywood, California On some fucking backlot somewhere And I can't get over the fact That she might be the only celebrity To look like herself, In person. I became a fan that day. Not particularly of JLo– But her parents. Genetics is real. How in the fuck do you look like that? You're like 106! I'm mad as hell at my parents, and they did *alright*. But the older I realize, and the less time I have, I have realized, I give a fuck about selective breeding. At this point, i'm like, “shit , i could have been alright without the trauma and homogonized corn syrup packed into everything and shoved down my throat!” I could have done without that. That did not sit well with me, Or in my gut. But now, i'm thinking about my future kids like, “yo...I got no business wasting my time with these scraggly ass motherfuckers…” “...no more broke motherfuckers…” “No more lazy, sleeping through the alarm ten times, always whining motherfuckers…” I have to think about the dynamics of the world having become so visual that it will highly impact the livelihood of my children if they don't look right. Facts. I might adopt some ugly ass kids. –but i'm not gonna be responsible for supplying them! I will not be held liable for manufacturing the motherfuckers! I'll raise them, and know, having grown up ugly myself, I can teach them to cope with their shortcomings. I will know from experience how to handle the world with less love and satisfaction than your average barbie or ken doll. Yes. Don't get me wrong. My parents did *alright* They were some good looking people. In real life. But the fact is, that good looking people, with bad fucking habits– Often lead to ugliness That doesn't always mean you got a fucked up face. No. A bad environment can fuck up your thought processes, your vibrational patterns, your frequency– Long before you're even well aware of yourself at all Of what ‘ugly' is. All that toxic shit– that drinking And partying And carrying on and Smoking too much with the windows rolled all the way up All that Not paying so much attention when you needed to or Relying on your child for emotional support From the early age of birth can offset a child's entire world Enough so that Perception becomes reality All that dysfunction And chaos And fighting And screaming and slamming doors and running around Not knowing what the fuck is going on later becomes ugly becomes Eating too much Becomes always seeking security and attention Becomes vulnarabikity that in the adult world, Reads as ‘ugliness' Tiredness Obesity, and of course Developing the bad habits You thought were normal facets Of actual life, Untl you reaize one day– Whether its too late, or not Were in fact not normal These patterns which shaped your entire reality For years in your upbringing Had become Ugliness I realized, I got no business fucking around with other trauma cases, because most of the time, instead of it leading to understanding and empowerment, It becomes a powerstrugle within a relationship two broken people competing for the need to feed and fuel the emptiness That a life of being in such a way Has rampaged. I realize i've put in the work and the effort To release myself from this ugliness To find the truth that one day, My inner beauty, will shine an outer light Bright enough for some one worthy and capable of loving my scars– the still-ugliness left over, unconditionally Seeking not someone who can fill in the emptiness But can realize that on my own, I have become whole enough To create the beauty I had once lost And cherish the filling-in That i had taken on As my own responsibility to myself. Oh God, all that on JLo? She has a nice face. God! The rest is alright, I guess. {Enter The Multiverse} [The Festival Project.™] The Complex Collective. © COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2019 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. © -Ū.