Why Do Kids Whine?

Our family was on vacation recently--and my husband and I wanted to explore some new sights. We love to wander around and breathe it all in. My kids don't always share this joy. In fact, on this particular trip, their legs seem to quit functioning altogether. They "couldn't walk" another step but could miraculously ride a bike and swim with ease.




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Whining is very much a part of childhood.



In fact, it's also very much a part of adulthood. But by the time we are grown, we have learned the difference between public and private speech, and we understand the need to separate the two in different contexts.



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Why Do Kids Whine?



Public speech includes things that we say aloud. Private speech involves what we keep in our heads. As adults, we have learned what is appropriate to say aloud vs. keep in our heads.



As our children grow, they will learn to censor their public speech as well. They will learn that it's not okay to say aloud, "Grandma, this food is gross!". As they learn and grow, you will see them censoring in some settings and not others. That means, they will voice whining and complaining to you that they would never dream of vocalizing in school.



Take this as a compliment. That means your kids feel intimately connected to you. Perhaps they even view you as an extension of themselves. They are sharing their otherwise private speech with you...publicly.



When was the last time you stepped out of your car and thought, "Ugh, it's SO hot and miserable out here. Can we just go back into the air conditioning?" You may have thought this recently, but kept it within your brain. If you were in a mix of people you didn't know well, you likely kept this as private speech in your head. If you were with intimate company, like just your partner or family--you may have said it aloud.



Your child, on the other hand, would likely always say this aloud in the early years. Because they are still learning to censor their public speech.



Kids will gradually learn as they grow. You can gently redirect and explain that some things are better kept as thoughts in their mind—but expect this to be a slow and somewhat painful learning process. Don't shame or scold the whining, because it takes time to learn. 



If you try to teach it directly, you will be mixed results. And you will probably get frustrated with the failed attempts. The best way to teach this is to model it yourself. That means keep your own complaining under wraps. If you listen to yourself and find yourself to be a bit whiny--your kids may continue to whine more as they get older too. That's not to say you are 100% to blame, but they learn from the people around them. You will never be able to put an end to it entirely, but you can do your part by being intentional with your own whines/complaints. 



Whining Vs. Complaining



Technically, there is a difference between whining and complaining. When you whine, you voice frustration or irritation without the expectation of a resolution. When you complain, you are looking to have your concerns addressed and resolved.



Whine: The school is so disorganized.